One Big Mack and Four Small Fries To Go, Please: Dearest Mack,

Wednesday 9 February 2011

Dearest Mack,

Thank you so much for getting the hint when I left your hair clippings in my sink until you got home last night. You did an excellent job cleaning them up. There are not many things in this world that gross me out, but other people's hair is one of them. Even when it's yours.

Appreciatively yours,
Wife

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Things I Have Learned From Having Kids

No matter how many times they do it, unrolling a roll of toilet paper is highly fascinating to a toddler
Children who refuse to drink water all day, because they would rather have juice or milk, suddenly can't get enough water when it is bedtime
Mosquito bites don't itch until it is time to go to bed at night
If your child is scheduled for a checkup with the pediatrician, he or she will find a way to scrape or bruise a body part that causes the doctor to raise an eyebrow at you while she asks you about it
You should never buy a washing machine or a parakeet off of Craig's List
They don't call it "labor" for nothing
What is best for my child in philosophy is not always what is best for my child in practice
Whenever I start to think that I'm getting the "mom thing" down, the Lord sends me a new challenge
Grape juice stains are more easily removed from twill or denim fabric than from t-shirt fabric
My child who frustrates me most easily is the one who is the most like me
Toddlers are fascinated by the dishwasher being loaded/unloaded and baskets of neatly folded clothes
What my children see in me in moderation, they will emulate in excess.
The child who is physically incapable of making it to the toilet when she needs to throw up, will throw up more often than any of the others.
It is better to have "sleepovers" with the kid across the street than with the kid across town, because you will certainly end up taking them home somewhere around 11:00 pm.
A quarter bottle of Chilren's Tylenol Plus Cold is not enough to poison a three year old, but it is enough to have some very strange effects
Fun houses are not fun for kids under the age of 6.
Six consecutive hours of sleep feels GREAT!
A three year old boy can turn ANY object into a weapon
It is very hard to change the sheets on a top bunk when you are eight months pregnant
The child who sleeps on the top bunk will require their sheets to be changed more than anyone else in the house
A child sent to their room for slamming a door will inevitably also slam that door once they get there (often more than once, just for effect)
Batteries last the longest in the REALLY annoying toys.
Dandelions are not poisonous. In fact, they have nutritional value comparable to broccoli.
If you get your kids a pet frog so they will stop asking for a puppy, they will start asking when can they get rid of the frog so they can get a puppy
When working with the Youth Group at church, people no longer mistake you for one of the teens when you have three kids
Strangers in public are much more helpful and considerate when you are pregnant than when you actually have a baby in tow
Making brownies from a mix is a four person job
We cannot use the toilet or bathtub in a bathroom if there is a bug in the sink
A small bead "accidentally dropped" into a sibling's ear will become lodged in the ear canal and require a trip to the emergency room
My choice of words and tone of voice can sound absolutely horrifying coming out of the mouth of a three year old
If you schedule to have your children's picture taken, one of them will get a cut, scrape, or bruise on their face two days before
Three children can all fit in a kitchen cabinet at one time (even though you don't have enough room for your pots and pans)
The Lord has put specific personality traits in each of my children for the sole purpose of challenging and sanctifying me
If you tell your kids that your dog has gone to "live at the farm," two years later they will still be asking when he is coming back
I can be very selfish
Every word to every song that "Dora the Explorer" sings
"Dora" plays at twice the volume of every other show on television
Your child that appears the most confident and independent will throw the biggest fit about being left in the church nursery
The Lord has blessed you if your toddler happens to get the stomach flu while you have a cold and have lost your sense of smell
As a mom, it is possible to care for that toddler with the stomach flu, have the bug yourself, celebrate Christmas, and give birth all within 72 hours
A small rubber dog toy can clear the plumbing pipes when flushed down a toilet. You can find all kinds of interesting things during the prolonged plungering that ensues. i.e. someone's toothbrush
A plastic Care Bear figure will melt in a 400 degree oven- it smells really bad and takes forever to clean up